In every human being, there is both beauty and ugliness, both light and darkness. At least that is what I have believed in over the years. In this respect, I intentionally chose to always see the good and beautiful part of everyone around me. But it’s never easy I tell you, not at all.
I will not say that I have never had the trouble of forgiving people. Most times I ended up thinking I forgave them all because I said it out loud to them.
‘Hey Clara, I forgive you’
Then weeks later, Clara upsets me and I find pleasure in making a reference to what she did to me
What a lie! Mh…
Then I go to church and listen to the preacher reading Hebrews 8: 12, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
How many of us really understand what forgiveness means?
Is it just a matter of ‘forgive and forget’? Is it more than just the self? Is it about choosing to be empathic enough to also think about the other person? I mean, why worry after doing someone a FAVOR of forgiving them, right?!
Even better, is forgiveness a question of favor or not?
Sorry to disappoint but I don’t have the answer to that but this is what I have learnt.
I have read articles about forgiveness and psychological perspectives from experts, and in most cases, I agree with what they say but not today. I want to talk about my journey towards finding peace in forgiveness.
In the course of my life, I have been in difficult situations with several people. I would sometimes tell myself that they don’t deserve my forgiveness at all. I didn’t want to let them think I was weak just because I forgave them and still cared about them. I wanted to win, to look tough and unbeatable. I bet you know the feeling…yeah that feeling.
But how lost I was…indeed people perish due to lack of knowledge, but somehow, here I still am.
My heart has bled and my eyes shed the most painful tears, so I think. I have been caught up in the blame game of who did what to me, whined about why they would even think about doing what they did to me. I even cursed the day I met them or got involved in any process with them, be it an investment or a social event. Why should I trust, believe, love, or even care? My life would get very thrilling during the day when I was distracted from my thoughts. But in the darkness, in my loneliness at night, I crumbled. I spent hours regretting and soaking my pillows with tears as I replayed the scenes over and over again in my head…urgh! S to the letter A to the D was my life. SAD!
I realized that I thought I forgave when it actually did not have any meaning whatsoever. I mean, we were always encouraged to say, ‘am sorry’ or ‘I forgive you’ and I guess with time you just say it when it gives you no peace because it’s just but something you have to say. Sadly, we fail to understand that apart from not really letting go, we lie to ourselves and that makes us so angry even without us not realizing it.
I wanted to be happy with everyone, love everyone, and just be free and peaceful, fully knowing that that is not something that will happen in a day. You know that feeling when you wish someone could understand you even in your worst? I wanted to be able to understand others in their worst and to see their beauty even in their most unspeakable moments.
Crazy! I know… stop judging hahaha.
So I learned this one beautiful secret, forgive yourself first. How can you forgive someone else if you can’t forgive yourself? It has always been said, you can’t give what you don’t have. So, you can’t forgive others if you can’t forgive yourself.
I started forgiving myself for every little thing that I did contrary to what I would have done to make the situations in my life better. Be it a decision, something I said, trusting someone, caring too much, making myself available when I was taken for granted, or even letting people lie straight to my face instead of doing something to stop them. Every single thing that I did and would have done better, I accepted my flaws and forgave myself.
They say forgive and forget, but I say forgive and learn. If you can truly forgive yourself, then you can truly forgive others and the aspect of forgetting at this point is taken care of.
You will need grace and love in your heart to pull this off. You can’t dislike or hate and be able to truly forgive. You must love the other person as much as you love yourself. Be kind to them as you are to yourself. Funny fact is that most are the times that people do unpleasant things because they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed, neglected, trying to protect the little they have left for themselves, and much more (of course am not excusing ill behavior) … so it’s always good to take a minute and see them truly from where they stand.
One thing that I confidently know, is that am no better than anyone. It reminds me that am still human, a being capable of finding myself on the other side of the road anytime of any day. I would like someone to show me mercy and understanding, I always pray to God to fill me up with the grace to show mercy and understanding to others. Clearly, at this point, you must understand that growing your faith is critical especially when it comes to forgiveness. Otherwise, without a well-nurtured faith, some of these things will make absolutely no sense and at that point, it’s almost impossible to truly forgive someone and care for them afterward. There is wisdom that comes with spiritual maturity that helps every one of us instill a level of humility, love, and understanding that goes beyond the desires of the body or even the earthly desires. Nurturing my faith daily through the teachings of Jesus has been my true ingredient of forgiveness, and honestly, for years now, I have enjoyed the act of forgiveness and I tell you, it’s priceless.
I might not sound very scientific today, but that is because forgiveness is pure love and humility.
Ephesians 4:13, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
By Lilian Muli.